“Baby Bullet” is also a double entendre

June 8th, 2005 § One comment § permalink

Um, Caltrain, is there something you’d like to tell us?

I want to be Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation

April 8th, 2005 § Comments off § permalink

Unitarian Jihad! “We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere!”

Cookery from the future

February 3rd, 2005 § Comments off § permalink

A Chicago chef is making sushi out of flavored paper, and he has ambitious plans to create pill-size entrees and bake inside-out bread (with the crust in the middle) using a laser. It’s like a 1950s vision of 2005 come to life! We must be due for hovercars any day now.

And is it just me, or does the article’s headline, “When the Sous-Chef Is an Inkjet,” sound like a Siouxsie and the Banshees lyric?

When the sous-chef is an inkjet
And every plate can levitate
When the sous-chef is an inkjet
Make a fishy roll by remote control

Yeah, it’s probably just me.

At least they’re not Rammstein fans

February 2nd, 2005 § Five comments § permalink

My upstairs neighbors enjoy playing country music and classic rock at rather loud volumes—not constantly, mind you, and not wall-shakingly loud; it’s a moderate, perhaps twice-weekly indulgence. A few months ago, they spent a happy Sunday morning listening to “Sweet Home Alabama” on endless repeat. Today, they’re rockin’ to Queen’s greatest hits. Apparently my neighbors are the champions of the world, in spite of their being under some sort of pressure.

In unrelated news, I was planning to write a list of the alleged nominees for Best Pornographic Picture at the 2005 Academy Awards. I quickly realized, though, that I was unlikely to top my first entry, A Very Long Engorgement.

Stop the elevator

February 1st, 2005 § One comment § permalink

Behold the NIMBY-ism of tomorrow, today: Williamsburg doesn’t need a space elevator!

“Okay,” I “will”

January 5th, 2005 § Comments off § permalink

I love my employer’s human resources department, mostly because a particular employee finds a way to demonstrate inappropriate workplace behavior every time I visit. When I dropped off my direct deposit form a few weeks ago, he made a lewd remark about a female coworker as he showed me into her cubicle. The other day, when I delivered my resignation letter, he was in the middle of a personal call behind the front desk, having a loud argument with his partner about a misunderstanding of some sort. When he got off the phone, talked to me, and discovered that I wasn’t certain what my last day would be, he proceeded to yell at me. Eventually, he realized that he was too worked up to be of any use and asked a colleague to help him out.

The other reason I love my employer’s human resources department is the sign that greets visitors:

“ STOP ”

PLEASE

CHECK IN

AT THE

“ COUNTER ”

Hope is on the way

November 22nd, 2004 § Seven comments § permalink

John Kerry’s next career move should be to record an album called In a Blue State. Something Leonard Cohen-esque, perhaps.

It’s no baloney, it ain’t a pony

October 31st, 2004 § Three comments § permalink

Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, bananaphone.

Oh, homonyms, will you never cease to amuse me?

October 10th, 2004 § Six comments § permalink

From an article in today’s New York Times about why Bush and Kerry can’t stand each other:

Aides to Mr. Bush said that Mr. Kerry reminded him of the Brahmins he met, and disliked, at Yale and Harvard Business School. “One word the president uses sometimes is ‘haughty,’” said one person close to Mr. Bush…

I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I am that “one person close to Mr. Bush,” and the word Bush actually uses sometimes is “hottie.”

Avast, ye scurvy kraken

September 19th, 2004 § Comments off § permalink

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day! Start your celebration with some pirate riddles for sophisticates. Arrrrrr.

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