Your nomination for secretary of the posterior has been confirmed

September 17th, 2003 § One comment § permalink

Only-in-Washington pickup lines. Finally, someone has combined my love of political geekery with my weakness for terrible pickup lines. Here’s an example: “In full compliance with federal information statutes, I am required to disclose that I’ve fallen FOIA.” Get it? “Fallen FOIA?”

Clearly I need to get out more.

Pinchy dot org: The drinking game

September 17th, 2003 § Three comments § permalink

Liz posted this drinking game as a comment, but I’m reposting it, with some formatting changes, because it’s so thoroughly awesome. (And yes, I’ve been too damn busy to post anything. Four classes plus 20 hours a week of research equals a busy, busy Jeff. Hey, I think that’s two drinks right there!)

Christie’s suggestion that Jeff post drink recipes as a sort of penance for making us read passages on urban planning got me thinking, and when he went two weeks without posting anything at all, I knew something had to be done. So, following in the grand tradition of the SF Bay Guardian‘s Jon Carroll drinking game and the annual State of the Union drinking game, here’s what I’ve come up with so far (with the help of Brian, my devoted partner in crime, of course). I hope other devoted readers of will add their own suggestions. (I wanted to include “Posts current music anyone’s ever heard of,” but then I realized I might be one with weird tastes, so someone else will have to decide if that’s appropriate.)

  • Mentions living in Berkeley: 2 drinks
  • Reminds us that he is now in graduate school: 2 drinks
  • Quotes from a book on urban planning: 1 drink
  • Uses ostentatious flourishes: 2 drinks
  • Posts current reading not related in any way to urban planning: finish your drink
  • Jeff’s dad posts a punny comment: 1 drink
  • Mentions drinking with his housemates: toast, 1 drink
  • Refers to XML or RSS feeds as if anyone cares: 1 drink

Any other suggestions?

Quantitative analysis

August 5th, 2003 § Five comments § permalink

This idea came to me out of nowhere while I was standing in the deli section at Berkeley Bowl:

Berkeley = 0.5(Marin) + 0.3(Palo Alto) + 0.2(Sunnyvale)

The individual weights might be wrong, but I think I’m on to something here.

Accredited by that guy, you know, with the hair

July 27th, 2003 § Comments off § permalink

I’m opening a prestigious new university in East Palo Alto. It’s called “Stanfard.”

Sure, the tuition at Stanfard is high, but you’ll be studying with all those Norbel laureates.

I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled

July 22nd, 2003 § Five comments § permalink

Today is my twenty-fifth birthday. I am old, old, old. A quarter of a century old. Man, that is old.

Now that I’m not in my early twenties any more, I need to find ways to preserve my rapidly-dwindling youthful vigor for as long as possible. My ideas so far:

  • Sleep in a vat of formaldehyde
  • Read fewer books about city planning and more issues of Teen People
  • Part my hair behind
  • Dare to eat a peach
  • Drink the blood of newborn babies carrot juice

Any other suggestions?

Only 27 percent lies

July 12th, 2003 § Comments off § permalink

Some of the fruits available at the Berkeley Farmers’ Market:

  • Peaches
  • Nectarines
  • Apricots
  • Plums
  • Pluots
  • Plumcots
  • Apriums
  • Loquats
  • Apriplots
  • Plumpriapes
  • Apriplunectacots

I know what I did this summer

July 11th, 2003 § Four comments § permalink

I would write about all the interesting things I’ve been doing, but I’m too busy doing them. Here’s one recommendation, though: 826 Valencia in San Francisco is the city’s only independently owned and operated pirate supply store. Also, they offer free writing classes and tutoring for kids. It is a strange and wonderful place. Go there.

And for those of you who rely upon me for your amusement: If I ever open a fitness center with a religious theme, it will be called Pontius Pilates.

Business plan

April 4th, 2003 § Two comments § permalink

If I ever open a furniture store, I’m going to call it “The Ottoman Empire.”


March 10th, 2003 § Two comments § permalink

August Strindberg & helium. Utter genius. This is why Tim Berners-Lee invented the World Wide Web.

I stay astounded as the grounds roll in

February 5th, 2003 § Five comments § permalink

After three weeks of daily cappuccinos while I was in the UK, I decided when I got back that I might as well continue the habit. I’m now the proud owner of a Guido Bergna stovetop espresso maker, purchased from EspressoPeople. Now I can feed my sick, sick addiction twenty-four hours a day enjoy delicious coffee in the privacy of my own home.

Just for clarification, though:

Don’t be fooled by the grounds that I got
I’m still, I’m still Jeffy from the block
Used to buy espresso, now I have a pot
No matter how I brew, I know my barista

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