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If you ever decide to roast chestnuts in your oven, make sure you cut a slit in each one first so the steam can escape. Otherwise, instead of eating delicious roasted chestnuts, you’ll find yourself doubled over with laughter in the next room, listening to the muffled cannon sounds of chestnuts bursting all over your oven’s walls.

Bill Lockyer, California’s attorney general, has revealed that he voted for Schwarzenegger. Bill Lockyer is a big ol’ Democrat. He helped run the state campaign for George McGovern in 1972, for Christ’s sake. He is (or maybe was) contemplating his own run for governor. And he voted for Schwarzenegger. Why? Here’s part of his explanation, quoted from the article: “I want to see principled leadership. And yes, [Schwarzenegger] may be naïve about that. But you know what? It is real. …He said, ‘Bill, you listen to my heart, not my party.’ Now how can you not love somebody that feels that way about it?”

Holy fucking Jesus on a rocket sled. What is wrong with this state? Have the many hydrocarbons in our air melted our brains? How long before we are all overcome by the mysterious Teutonic powers of seduction that left so many crying out for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s sweet, sweet governance?

Many of you, I’m sure, have already heard about all the scary issues surrounding touchscreen voting machines–the rabid support many of their manufacturers have lent to the Republican Party; the lack of a paper trail to verify that the machines work as they’re meant to; the shoddy programming and security holes big enough to drive a truck through. Unfortunately, if the London Independent is to be believed, matters are even worse than most of us have imagined. Well worth a read.

Also, it turns out that I actually know somebody who voted for Arnold Schwarzenegger, and not just for any old reason. This somebody genuinely believes that Schwarzenegger is going to balance the state’s budget. I suppose it’s theoretically possible for that to happen, provided that Schwarzenegger’s policies are the exact opposite of what he’s said they will be. Yeesh. Thank God this somebody is just a friend of a friend and not someone I have political discussions with on a daily basis.

So did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist who got off on a technicality?

Large buttocks are pleasing to me, nor am I able to lie concerning this matter.

I have seen her dancing. Forget, therefore, about blandishments!

Can I bring myself to type it?

Governor Schwarz…

Governor Schwarzen…

Governor Schw…

This is going to take some getting used to.

If decent plums are still available where you live, you owe it to yourself to make a delicious plum cake right this minute. It’s utterly foolproof and ever so pretty.

Go on, start baking! Shoo!