pinchy dot org.

At the gym this morning, I was silently bemoaning the execrable club music being piped in through the overhead speakers. But then I thought, wait, what do I expect them to be playing instead? Debussy? Help me out with this one, Internet.

Dear Unilever:

I wish to purchase a ten-pound bucket of the crackly, sugary substance that is swirled throughout Ben & Jerry’s Crème Brûlée Ice Cream. Once I receive this bucket, I will strap it on my face like a feedbag and suck down the sweet goodness it contains until my stomach is on the verge of exploding.

I am prepared to indemnify you against all claims arising from the diabetic coma that will inevitably result.

Yours in butterfat,
Jeff

Between Slow Food Nation and the Sunday Streets partial closure of the Embarcadero, I’m pretty sure that the past week’s events have made San Francisco eligible for membership in the European Union. C’mon, Almost-President Obama, make it happen. I want dual citizenship.

A woman next door is trying to summon her son by repeatedly calling his name, which is “Alvin.” It’s all I can do to keep from throwing open my window and singing “Christmas, Christmas time is here…“

(OAKLAND, CA)—As freeway traffic continues to move smoothly in the East Bay following the partial collapse of the MacArthur Maze, Bay Area city planning consultants are being forced to recant their earlier predictions of chaotic, months-long traffic congestion.

“Look, I was wrong, okay?” said one consultant, who requested anonymity. “I guess I underestimated people’s willingness to ride transit or telecommute. Kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it, whether we really need those freeways anym—mmph!”

The consultant was interrupted when freeway engineers clapped their hands over his mouth and dragged him to an undisclosed location, where he was found guilty of “thoughtcrimes against the beloved Interstate Highway System and our American Way of Life.” Officials said that he will be released after he has renounced his “pro-bicycle heresies.”

(OAKLAND, CA)—Bay Area city planning consultants are fuming over a Sunday morning explosion that destroyed parts of the MacArthur Maze, according to a well-placed source.

“Aaarrrgghhh,” said the consultant, who requested anonymity. “I can’t go to any of my client meetings without getting on the freeway. And now traffic on every single freeway in the East Bay is going to be a disaster for, like, months.”

“Dammit,” the consultant added.

When asked whether the Bay Area’s freeways are likely to be damaged further in the near future, the Hayward Fault declined to comment, then chuckled ominously.

A friend called me last week while she was taking her car to Big O Tires. Which got me thinking: Doesn’t “Big O” seem like a deceptively salacious name for a tire store? It certainly doesn’t help that their slogan is “A Reputation You Can Ride On.”

Cut me some slack, you goddamn Swedish conglomerate. I mean, who wasn’t creepy in the 7th grade?

From the International Herald Tribune, via today’s New York Times:

Before the Finnish band Lordi won the Eurovision Song Contest in May with its hard-rock anthem “Hard Rock Hallelujah,” its many critics warned that the latex-wearing monster mutants would embarrass Finland, inspire Satanic worship and scare children by blowing up Barbie dolls on stage.

But after ending Finland’s 40-year losing streak at the world’s biggest celebration of kitsch, the demonic quintet has been transformed from national scourges to national heroes…

President Tarja Halonen, once lobbied by horrified Finns to withdraw Lordi from Eurovision, recently praised its retractable Satan wings and slasher-film inspired lyrics as “Finnish quality work” [emphasis added]. Pepsi has begun advertising its drinks in Finland with the slogan “Hard Drink Hallelujah,” and Finnish magazines are publishing cut-out Lordi monster masks that children can wear at school.

The next time I run across something that I would ordinarily call “total schlock,” I’m going to describe it as “Finnish quality work.”

The June 25, 2006, New York Times Sunday Magazine included this unfortunate juxtaposition of journalism and advertising.